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Limericks from Around the World
Something has disturbed me about the internet for a while, now. Despite
the wealth of information available, no-one has seen fit to add to this with
a limerick from every capital city on Earth.
The time as come to rectify this appalling lack.
Obviously, this is going to take a while. But come back regularly, and
if the gods are willing there'll be new verses with a fair frequency. For the
moment, just use your imagination and make up your own if your city's not
here.
These aren't being done in any order; I started with Dublin, but
after that it's whatever springs to mind.
Just so you know: it sometimes takes me a couple of days to realise how much
some of the limericks I write suck. So if it's really bad, it may be
around for a while. I promise to replace the truly awful ones as soon as
their inelegant nature is pointed out to me.
Oh, the lady from old Abu Dhabi
Her edacity rivalled Jay Gatsby
And with hooters prodigious
Wooing verged on religious
So her income remained far from shabby
There was a young man from Algiers
Who spent three weeks in orbit on Mir
He had hoped sex in freefall
Would be new, but it seems all
He could do was to barf, the poor dear.
There once was a man from Alofi
Who was thought to be quite fond of toffee
But his sweet tooth was lacking;
When he spoke of fudge packing
He alluded to something quite naughty
A fellow from south Amsterdam
Was quite fond of being covered in jam
But when licking this sweet
Women lost all their teeth
Which may have been part of the plan
A dame from Andorra la Vella
Was mistaken each day for a fella
To distract from her biceps
She employed several precepts
Such as dyeing her goatee bright yellow
There was a young man from Baku
Whose pecker was slightly askew
Sex was more than just tricky
He left navels all sticky
Now it's something he tends to eschew
There was a young girl from Bangkok
Who wrote Limericks so rude they could shock
The Limericks were topical
But quite biological
And all had vaginas and cocks
- the Masked Bastard
There was a young man from Beijing
Who had a large wart on his Thing
Though 'twas filled with green pus
He was wealthy, and thus
Mouthwash sales made the registers ring
There once was a fellow from Brussels
With a fondness for women in bustles
He became quite distressed
When he found they were dressed
In a way that showed off no ass muscles
A fellow who lived in Berlin
Had a dick that was long and quite thin
When he diddled the ladies
Who were carrying babies
He was blown by the foetus within
A fellow from old Buenos Aires
Kept his life in the rudest of diaries
But the naughtiest details
On liaisons with females
Were well known to be nothing but stories
There was a young man from Bujumbura
With a fondness for playing with tempura
Till the scalding-hot batter
On his tumescent matter
Had him singing in coloratura
There was a young lady from Canberra
Who enjoyed having sex while on camera
A porn career beckoned
But our lass hadn't reckoned
On a face that would scare away Gamera
There was a young mimic from Cardiff
Whose act involved keeping his Part stiff
This priapic protrusion
Helped support the illusion
Except when he dressed as the pontiff
A lady, while living in Cotonou
Heard that gargling semen was good for you
But her tunnel was sapphic
And so closed to male traffic
So it's health food she has to eschew
A fellow who lived in Dakar
Loved his pets, but he took it too far
It was said (with restraint)
That his actions were 'quaint'
But in fact, they were truly bizarre
There was a young fellow from Dhaka
Who was fond of being caned with malacca.
And that's fine for the boudoir
But when wrapped up in mylar
In a bar, that's inviting a fracas
When the crowd saw a fellow from Dili
Compromised with a horse, he felt silly.
Lest the onlookers posit
He was stuck in a closet
He assured them the horse was a filly
There once was a lady from Dublin
Whose addiction to sex was quite troublin'
At the start, it was merely
A few couplings yearly
Now it's six times a day, and still doublin'
A fellow from old Gabarone
Had accomplished by methods unknown
A bizarre new position
That involved micturition
But no-one will ask to be shown
There was an old man from The Hague
Who suffered what seemed to be plague
But on closer inspection
A large, green erection
Was the cause of his sheep-induced ague
Oh, the nipples of Mary from Hamilton!
Each brings death with its razor-blade tassle on
When she twirls those propellers
Hypnotising the fellas
They must kiss 'em, then find half their lips're gone
A masochist living in Kabul
Liked rubbing his privates with steel wool
Think that's bad? It was nothing.
He was once caught out stuffing
His arse with... but no, it's too awful.
There lives a young man in La Paz
Who is known for his carnal pizzazz
You might think such exuberance
When employing his protuberance
Would cause problems; well guess what? It has.
There was a young lady from Lisbon
She went walking with barely a wisp on
She still seeemed unsleazy
Till the day turned quite breezy
Engendering many a hardon
There once was a fellow from London
Who had sex with a blue cummerbund on
He found to his liking
The effect was quite striking
And it nicely set off the green condom.
There was a young man from Luanda
"Sex all day, any way" was his mantra
He lives by it, too;
As he works in a zoo
He's great choice, but he still likes the panda
There was a young man from Madrid
Who fathered a hundred young kids
He said, "That's what they tell me,
"But since I'm a fairy,
"I'm not really sure that I did."
- the Masked Bastard
There was a young fellow from Mexico
Who spent weekends convincing his dick to grow
But for all his cajoling
His hopes of long-poling
Remain tenuous, feeble and low
There was a young fellow from Minsk
Who knew a young fellow from Pinsk
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk
A fellow from west Mogadishu
Had a pillar he spent three days leashed to
I won't say he was kinky
But many did think he
Overdid it by moaning in Pushtu
There was a young boy from Nairobi
Whose seemed to delight in disrobing
He believed his 'front tail'
Was as big as a whale's
And that's why he called his dick Moby
- the Masked Bastard
A gentleman living in Nassau
Had a fondness for using his bandsaw
Till that one bad decision
That involved circumcision
Now he's mastered the thousand-piece jigsaw.
There was a young lady from Ottawa
Who was shocked while she watched a soap opera
She was ready for scheming
And perhaps even screaming
But a blow job in noon melodrama?
A woman from old Ouagadougou
Lost the pins that she needed for voodoo
On its own, this ain't tragic
But an arse full of magic
Means a stabbing pain comes with a poopoo.
A prostitute living in Paris
Had sharp teeth, but was otherwise harmless
But no men fancied oral
So she thought them all moral
Though none was averse to some coitus
Quoth the fellow from old Phnom Penh
"I will swear I won't do it again
"So to gain absolution
"I will pay restitution
"And have counselling got for the hen"
A fellow from old Porto-Novo
Had a strange place for sticking his oboe
While decorum prevents me
From uttering clearly
Let's just say when he farts, there's an echo
There was a young fellow from Rome
Who would preach about sex when alone
But his joyous oration
On sublime masturbation
When in church always got him sent home
A lady who lived in St. John's
Was renowned for her dildo of bronze
Till she died by a strange quirk;
She took off like a firework
When she put it in over her nylons.
Could a man in the town of São Tomé
Touch no dames for a year? Men bet 'no way!'
But our hero, undaunted
Got the nookie he wanted
All he did for twelve months was to go gay
In a closet in old Sarajevo
Lived a a man; would he say he was gay? No.
For alas, his religion
Held him back just a smidgen
He bought all Streisand's songs on E-bay, though.
There once was a lady from Seoul
To have sex with three men was her goal
With a bosom prodigious
She had plenty of interest
Even though she'd a face like a troll
There once was a fellow from Skopje
Whose penis got floppier and floppier
The problem was partly
Last year's office party
When the lid was slammed down on the copier
A lady who lived in Sofia
Liked performing lewd acts with tortilla
Then she'd cover the kickshaw
With the choicest of coleslaw
But it still kept the taste of urea
There was a a young fellow from Stockholm
Who was cursed with an imperfect genome
While his pecker's mutation
Meant obscene elongation
It was plaid, and was shaped like a gnome
There was a young man from Tirana
With a fondness for wriggling piranha
But on just one occasion
He achieved consummation
Since he's now stuck with half a banana
There was a young man from Vienna
He would suck anything for a tenner
He proclaimed with some pride
He could swallow the tide
If 'twere fed through a hose. What a fella.
In Washington, District of C.
Lived a man with the dick of a flea
Yet he ne'er lacked a chance
To sniff female pants
For his tongue was a foot long, you see
There once was a fellow from Yerevan
Who was facing a court-imposed nookie ban
He was heard to exclaim
"I have no-one to blame
"Except, perhaps, maybe the pelican"